It's so quiet in here, I keep thinking Matty's asleep - even went to check on him just now.
Oh god. When Jason finally rang back all I could think was "thank god he's safe" Much less scary to think he's with his own dad than just...out there somewhere. But J wouldn't speak...I don't know where he's got him, or what they're doing, or who he's with. He could have left him somewhere. Can't stand to think about it.
When Matty was born J said he'd be there for him always, that he'd die for him. That's still true, right? I mean, he wants to punish ME. I'm the one who's ruined everything. J playing around was just...part of the set-up I guess is what he thought. It wasn't so bad living with him, if I thought I could get Matty back right now I would take Jason back 100 times over.
Want to call the police, or SOMEBODY TO JUST GET MY SON BACK. But Jason could be anywhere, and I know how he can flip out. If he heard I'd called the police on him, it might drive him even crazier.
Just waiting is killing me though, every noise I think it’s them coming in. Keep checking the phone’s on, like a mad person about every 5 seconds.
Never in a million years would I have thought I’d end up like this. Getting a lawyer onto Jason – I keep telling myself it’s just Jason for god’s sake – can I really be that scared of him?
I am though.
Maybe if I had someone to talk to about it, it wouldn’t seem so bad… I’ve talked to Susi, but she’s got enough problems of her own, crying this morning and looking like her whole world’s falling apart. She was even asking me how I cope…guess the answer is I don’t. Can’t really call it coping when I let J scare Matty like that. M must have been up 10 times in the night, had to let him sleep in with me eventually.
Just terrified if I try and keep Matty away from his dad (his DAD!) then they’ll both end up hating me. Okay, okay - it doesn’t have to happen – I’m just going to talk to this lady and see what she says about it all. I just need some advice from someone who isn’t Mum! Dunno if she knows how much it messes me up every time she pins everything that goes wrong on my mistakes. Matty’s no mistake for one!
We could be alright, just the two of us…
Matty is still confused and upset and I can’t blame him - ‘What’s wrong with Daddy’ – what IS wrong with daddy?
At least the supermarket didn’t make me pay for the things. I just didn’t know what he was going to do next. Was such a relief when the security men pulled him away – I grabbed Matty and just ran round to Mum’s. Had to tell her something, just said we’d had a fight, maybe I should have told her the whole truth – her beloved Jason the ‘one-time-future-son-in-law’ losing it big time - but I know she’d just blame me anyway. Well, to be honest I blame myself – SO STUPID letting him in last night…no wonder he’s angry.
Don’t know what to do. Could ring Heather and try and get her to calm him down –his mum might be able to talk to him without him losing the plot. Plus his father was a bit like that so at least Heather’ll be sympathetic even if it is her son. Hopefully.
Oh God I don’t know. Sleep on it I guess. Perhaps talk to Susi tomorrow though she seems to have problems of her own at the moment.
Perhaps she was right. I’m still remembering how Jason used to be – he’s not that person any more, is he? Maybe I need to think about that restraining order thing – or at least find out about it. If Jason is becoming like what he was this afternoon then dad or no dad he just shouldn’t be around Matthew.
Started writing really rude email to Mr Toothy after his no-show but stopped myself – HE’S NOT WORTH IT! Not going to mention it to Mum she’ll just go on about not putting Matthew on my profile (again).
Don’t care anyway – bumped into Susi and had a brilliant morning, we went for coffee, and then she treated me to hairdo (actually I think there was some problem with the card machine so I had to pay but it’s not as if she can’t pay me back! :D ). So exciting to actually look nice for once, made me feel like I used to – sounds sooo bad – before Matty. Just great to have a laugh for a change too – always had loads of mates at school but Jason hated them (plus they thought he was a creep who couldn’t get a girlfriend his own age ). Anyway Susi’s nice, she met her husband (Loaded Rob) while she was working behind a bar – there’s hope for us all– though can’t see me bumping into Prince Charming mid-hoover somehow!
Day went downhill – Jason was at the school again. Accused me of spending his hard-earned (if you count queuing up down the DSS as hard-earned) money on tarting myself up – HOW BLOODY DARE HE – he’s not coughed up for a more than a month and he thinks he can just waltz in and tell me what to do. Hate arguing in front of Matty but just couldn’t let J stand there and put me down like he always does.
After Susi said she knew someone that could get me a restraining order against him – bit much, a restraining order, not like he’s beating me up,– Susi probably thought she was watching an episode of Eastenders or something.
No messages on LovedUp again tonight - still can’t decide whether to take Matthew out of my profile – anyone I go out with will find out anyway soon enough... PLUS he’s a major part of your life girl – and I love him more than anything in the world!!!!
Am trying to make Matthew understand that there are other men in the world as well as his Dad. Subject came up thanks to Mother and he started asking questions. Anyway I’m not going to feel guilty – I’ve got a right to a life haven’t I?
Started the Life Skills Course with Jo – Fiona said I could go for nothing so long as it didn’t interfere with the cleaning – she means well but she can be sooo patronising at times! Anyway I like Jo and hopefully it’ll help me get my life back on track.
Jo got called away early – some problem with Desi’s kid again – god knows why she puts up with that guy, she could do so much better. Anyway – result – Fiona stomps off, and we all just sit around chatting for ages – sooo nice speaking to adults again. Met a lovely old lady called Penny and a lady called Susi – she’s a bit stuck up but she doesn’t mean it – gave us a lift in her Audi. Her husband’s in Property Development or something – probably some dodgy landlord like Mr Ellis – oh God I still owe last months rent don’t I – IF ONLY JASON WOULD COUGH UP THE MONEY!!!
Writing this waiting again for Mum, she knows I’ve got the date tonight – it’s almost like she’s doing this deliberately to wind me up!! She’s still going on and on about how Matty needs his dad around, trying to remind me of all the good things about Jason – luckily that never takes long. Anyway WILL NOT GET NERVOUS – this guy’s profile sounds OK but just look at him…
Can hear her on the stairs at last, wish me luck…!
I know, I know, I should be tearing my hair out and worrying about Miriam and firmly re-bolting the lock on the door, planning life as a permanently mourning widow etc.
But the terrible truth is...I don't want to. I like having friends – I actually do have friends! George, Susi, the girls from the class…it’s almost like a social life!
Was so embarrassing though, when she came in and just screamed at me like some kind of spoilt three-year-old. Still at least she came back and said sorry, still looked OUTRAGED when I explained about George though. I realised later what it is – she’s lonely. Lonelier than I am. Plus being out on that freezing cold campus in the middle of nowhere, and to make it worse all her friends are having lovely times and too busy to talk.
Must remember not to get carried away – I am not in fact freely floating around without any connections, she IS still my daughter. Not her fault if (like her dad) she looks furious when she just wants to sit down and start crying.
Was SUCH a lovely day before she came though, in fact my stomach is quite literally aching from laughing. And my head’s aching from the wine! Even this and worrying about M can’t quite bring me back down to earth though…
Is it wrong to feel…. excited? Honestly I’m trying to be normal and not make a fuss about nothing, and of course George is very different, but we went out, had a nice time, and all in all… it was fun. That’s all.
Of course it was very silly of me to tell Miriam that little white lie, but she is at a difficult stage, and tends to blow things completely out of proportion (hard to do with George of course, lol.).
Next time I speak to her I’ll just mention casually that I went to an auction and met some nice people - she can’t really expect me to just sit at home and mope while she gets on with her life. Actually she probably does. Get the feeling she’d like me to spend every day weeping over William’s grave. Truth is, I haven’t even been once since she went away(how awful). I’ll get some lilies with some of the auction money ("his" money I suppose, oh dear) and go on Sunday.
It is exciting to have all that money though. I might buy some new "funky" clothes and get out of my dowdy old things. NOT for George of course!!! Just feeling a bit different, a bit (cringe) younger?
Bit of a non day. Bit of a step back – shouldn’t expect every day to be an improvement that’s silly, two forward one back sometimes, and today one back.
Just sat and stared at William’s things. I know they’ve got to go but it feels like some kind of betrayal today – impetus of yesterday seems to have just evaporated and I’m in wallow mood again. What did get me going though was his wretched snuff box collection – what earthly use is there for something you stick up your nose to make you sneeze? Took them to Antique shop – thought George might be able to make me see the point of them. Excuse for company – serves me right though, he wasn’t there.
Nearly rang Miriam but stopped myself just in time. What was I going to say – no news just a ‘hi’ and that seems so pathetic – a little sad voice from home. Besides she’s probably really enjoying herself and I don’t want to be a damper on her new life do I?
A strange day…it’s a year next week since William died and just had to do something to block out this horrible feeling that nothing will ever get better.
Shoved a lot of his clothes in a binbag all together – did feel very peculiar when I pulled out the suit he wore when we got married, felt like he was going to appear in front of me any second (Miriam would say I was being batty as usual) –but managed to get them to Oxfam without letting myself think about it all too much.
Having done all that a bit tearful, especially coming back through the park where we all had so many lovely times when Miriam was little.
Met man with dog – dog was called Plug – strange name, and he was called George – strange man - runs Antique shop in high street which could be useful in terms of sorting William’s stuff if (when!) I get round to it.
Came back and house not so empty somehow. Nothing from Miriam again – but didn’t really think about this until after tea. Is that good?
Not heard from Miriam for a few days now – still I expect that’s perfectly normal – she’s probably making all sorts of new friends at the University – mothers are hardly top priority when you’re young.
Started the Life Skills course at the Community College today. Everyone seems very nice but the class had to end early as the Course Leader got called away. Actually this was good as it gave us a chance to chat amongst ourselves and I got offered a lift home by a girl called Susi – seems she and another girl called Abby have both got children at St. Martins – I invited them in but they had to rush off – I didn’t tell them that I was one of the very first teachers when the new school was built – felt old enough in their company anyway!
House seems a bit empty without Miriam, missing William a lot at the moment as well, guess there’s no distractions. Mustn’t wallow in it though – making new friends and moving on!
Sharp suits, power heels, lovely oversize Mulberry tote bag to keep all my…laptops or whatever in.
Sure there’s more to business than that but if you get the important stuff sorted the rest might just follow! Remember when I was doing my "O" levels I always hoped if I wrote in enough different coloured gel pens no-one would notice that I could remember who (or what?) Alsace Lorraine was. Sounds like a bit of a hussy to me, lol!
Anyway, Rob continues on sofa. His hair’s looking greasier than ever (thought it might be adding insult to injury to tell him, but…you know… we’ve still got enough money for shampoo for goodness sake!) and the whisky level keeps dropping and dropping. Maybe when he runs out he’ll have to get up and start growing…whatever they make whisky with…in the garden. Oats, rye or something? He’s a good guy really, he was quite sweet tonight actually, but you know, cheer up! It’s not the end of the world, specially when you’ve got a super-dooper go-getting wife (modest, moi?) who not only managed to find the bus stop, but actually get in to see Jo and plan out how to save our bacon.
Plus no car is going to mean lovely toned buttocks too! Who needs a personal trainer when you’ve got…bankruptcy! Ok, ok, maybe I am joking to cover up for how FREAKED OUT I really am about all this. But, you know, it’s exciting to be out of the house, the kids seem to have already forgotten we used to have all those cars in the drive – seem glad of the extra football space to be honest. Think we can make it alright, I’m on a career-planning high, suppose the next part’s going to be the hard bit. Actually doing the work!
Hope Abby’s ok – she was very upset at the school but said that horrible ex of hers had prob just picked up Matthew and taken him to get a burger or something. She just ran off when I offered to come with her. Poor girl, makes me remember how lucky I really am still!
Almost got over feeling angry with my stupid, thoughtless, patronising, CRIMINAL (?!?!) husband now. I said "almost". I still can’t believe he would put me and the kids in so much danger!What if we end up on the STREETS because of him being SO THICK??? Cause if he really has been trying to diddle the company or the taxman or whoever… I could have told him he hasn’t got the brains for that kind of thing. People like B**** Cecile’s husband, yes. And then to let me find out from her…can’t bear to remember it!!
Rob the Criminal, need to get him a swag bag and a stripy jumper…hang on, wait a mo....have I been spending criminal money?! I feel like one of those gangster’s wivesin the films. Should I be wearing mink,pearls and smoking cigarettes in a holder (ugh) and looking expensive-yet-slutty, mmm?
Anyway, I need a plan! Someone’s got to keep things ticking over here while HIS Lordship weeps into his whisky. Not that I don’t feel ( or a tiny bit) sorry for him. BUTI don’t want to end up back where I started, I’m going to do something about it. Seriously, I can’t end up like Abby with her horrible flat and no money for any fun, she’s a wonderful girl but I would lose the will to live!
Speaking of which, back to my plans for "Horrible Ways for Cecile to Die"…well I have to cheer myself up somehow.
It’s worse than I thought. I looked at the bank statements this morning – first time I’ve done it never really bothered before – but as far as I can work out we’ve been living on promises and thin air for the last few months. Why didn’t he tell me? Pride? Stiff upper lip? A wild optimistic hope that it would all sort itself out before he had to break the news that we haven’t got a penny?
He came home early and caught me. Felt guilty felt bad as if I was delving too deep into his stuff – but God it’s my life as well as his – it’s me as well as him that’s going to be out there on the streets if it really turns pear shaped. God I hope it doesn’t come to that – he’s put everything in the company’s name, so it’s not just the company that’ll go down but the collateral (is that the right word?) the house the cars everything. Basically, us and everything we’ve got. I don’t really understand it – ha I’ve never even used the word ‘collateral’ before (overdose of the news I guess)…
Later.
Rescue deal didn’t come through – Rob emotional. In tears. But we’ve agreed to keep brave face for kids. He reckons that was the last chance and they’ll start taking cars and assets away tomorrow – they can’t do it that quickly can they?
What really worries me though isn’t the money – though that’s worrying enough – it’s the fact that Rob seems to have given up. He’s not angry, got no energy to get us out of the situation, no hope.
I guess – I hope - he’s still in shock.
Rob didn’t get in till 2 in the morning – was worried sick that something had happened to him as he didn’t answer mobile or anything. He’s obviously worried like mad about this audit thing – he’s keeping it all to himself as always..He barely spoke to me at breakfast and had a face like a wet weekend, poor Courtney was upset wondering what was wrong with Dad – Oliver as ever just shovelled his breakfast down (father like son).
Took Abby to get her hair done – poor girl got stood up by blind date so needed cheering up – also if Rob can’t be bothered to talk to me at least I can spend quality time with his credit card! Rob had last laugh though – aaaaaargh - very embarrassing - card declined so had to borrow cash off poor Abby. Seems Rob having difficulty with bank – went all serious on me claiming we had no money – –he’s so melodramatic sometimes - not really sure what he meant but how bad can it be?
Ran into Cecile at school - god how I hate that woman. Wonder if wallet boy David knows about his wifey and tennis coach – everyone else does! Not sure but if I was married to grey accountant David would I have affair? NO – a) would never marry grey accountant b) not with kids. BUT if mistakenly did marry grey accountant would not have sex and therefore no kids – so guess I might have affair with tennis coach – would improve game anyway.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Rob seems like he’s on another planet at the moment. I don’t mind him being on another planet so long as he’s not expecting me and kids to orbit it lovingly from afar… No docking either at the moment - he says he’s too stressed at work and needs his beauty sleep (well I’m not going to argue with him there, lol). Kids are moody too – seem to have picked it up from father – Courtney wants lots of attention and Oliver keeps on going on about wanting a Wii – I tell him he’s old enough to go by himself now (well I think it’s a funny joke anyway).
Started another course today, better than bloody Hot Stone Essential Colour Therapy or whatever the last one was – Evil Cecile wasn’t there for one - just REAL people who seem to have REAL problems slightly more important than running out of matching paper napkins. Met nice girl Abby who has son Matthew at the school – single parent is that the right PC term - she probably thinks I’m old enough to be her mother, depressing! She looks like she never spends any time on herself, come to think of it probably can’t afford it, wiping up other people’s mess at the centre all day, what a life.
Weirdly calm now after all that palaver, like I just don't care about their stupid problems any more.
It's just me and my life, and a bundle of cells I'm trying to decide what to do with. I can just hear some snotty social worker telling me I need to stay with Desi, he's a good man, a child needs a dad, blah de blah de blah. Yeah, but - do I need a baby? If all this mess shows anything it's that I'm about as much use as a chocolate teapot at the whole mothering thing. What I can do though is look after myself. I'm just lying here on the sofa (fully dressed - I'm taking no chances with that man!) plotting - ooh yeah like that word - how to disentangle myself.
Yeah but can I? And then what? Still got a low bit of anger coming up to bite me when I think of how STUPID I’ve been. Do I look like a fool? That’s what I asked Desi, he just looked shifty. As ever.
No chance of sleeping now, it’s 4am for god’s sake. Just want to close my eyes and all this rubbish will melt away!
You can’t change people, you just can’t! I should have known Desi would stay the same for ever. He was cheating on some poor cow when he met me, for god’s sake! I thought I was in trouble before, with him wanting me to play Mother. At least I thought he was mine, that at least I had him (and his, ahem, good qualities) to myself to make up for it all. But he’s off with his packet of condoms neatly in his pocket, ready for anything… Desperate housewives needing more than just their kitchens seeing to – who knows?? Eugh, I’m feeling disgusted enough by him at the moment without the added grossness of knowing he’s been sleeping around. Does it even matter who she is? Do I even care?
Because the thing is…maybe this means he’s not my problem any more. Should I really be dealing with:
1 - A cheating boyfriend.
2 - His Annoying bloody teenage son!
If it was one of my friends telling me this sob story I’d be telling her to get out of there as fast as her little legs could carry her! So really why am I still here?
Just feeling so stressed that I can’t leave tonight. But waitI’m a grown up and have to be mature about dealing with this. I can wait til tomorrow....... and then tell him where to stick his "family values".
But can I really just leave them like that? Oh god I said "them", not even "him". I really am in trouble!
I can’t believe I keeled over at work – it’s soo Victorian – maybe my corset was too tight! Actually just shows how stressed I’ve been what with Desi and everything. Never thought I suffered from stress but this parenting thing has really got to me. Think it’s the guilt – though why I’m suffering guilt I don’t know – actually think it’s just classic ‘damned if I do damned if I don’t’ rules that I seem to live life by these days, it’s all getting to me.
I shouldn’t have given Desi his inch I just knew he’d take the mile, and now he wants me to go to bloody parenting classes with him. Well oh no – WE KNOW WHERE THAT’LL END – quite apart from it being FIONA running them with her supercilious Mother Theresa ‘hang me from the ceiling and use my halo as a light bulb’ attitude – Desi’ll never turn up to it and slowly week by week I’ll BECOME the bloody parent. Well that’s not happening Desi – like it or lump it – NO WAY – I’m not becoming another Abby God love her..
Need a bit of rest. Need to calm down. Fiona said I could take the day off tomorrow and I will. Bit of peace without World War 3 breaking out in the house - bliss.
As suspected smell of burning martyr from Fiona at work. This not helped by appearance of Desi at lunchtime – wanted to make up but ended up as Round Two. Came with flowers expecting me to sneak off with him like the old days, brilliant on the day I need to really look on the ball. Couldn’t help noticing Fiona giving his back view a crafty once-over…haha, no way, slipping halo alert!
He just doesn’t get it does he – Desi’s whole system is paper over the cracks move on - no wonder Jocelyn left. More time I spend with D & D the more respect I have for that woman – there’s a little voice somewhere saying get out while you can!
Desi still wants me to go with him to see Daniel’s headmaster. Anyway have relented - can’t bear the atmosphere – said I’d go - can sneak it in tomorrow before work as have last finish (lucky me). BUT don’t want this to be start of new career as Daniel’s Mother – an inch equals a mile in Desi’s book…
Play Jo's Trailer
I am so bloody annoyed with Desi, and Daniel’s just as bad. Stuck in the middle like some idiot… Told Daniel I’d keep my mouth shut about his STUPID behaviour – just to shut him up really, plus I hate Desi when he’s angry, it’s actually frightening…anyway Desi finds out and blames ME for fact his son goes to ME rather than him. And I’m in trouble from both of them because of it – NOTE TO SELF - NEVER NEVER HAVE KIDS!!!
Anyway had to get Saint Fiona to cover first class of Life Skills – she’ll probably go all martyr on me tomorrow but hey that’s the joy of working with the saintly. Gossip at work says Mr Fiona has a bit of a thing for strip joints…heh. Mind you where’s my bloke tonight I ask you? Out late again tonight following some late night big kitchen lead - says you can’t ignore even a whiff in these Credit Crunch times. Stuck at home with Daniel playing his bloody awful music full blast. It’s times like these I think WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT BEING SINGLE???!!!
Play Jo's Trailer
